Been over a year since I posted a journal here, thought I finally would
Just some boring life updates, feel free to ignore. Lots of psychological/disorder talk~
2016 thus far in my life has been... somewhat dramatic? But also a lot of personal growth, thanks to focusing more on my mental health. I've tried two psychologists and I've learned so much. I was so apprehensive because I was always one of those skeptics about it. I'm very introspective and have struggled against depression for decades now and really felt like there was little I could do beyond taking meds, which I'm even more apprehensive about. But I've learned I have a lot, LOT more than depression going on, including PTSD, social anxiety to the point of sociophobia, and many self-esteem issues as a result of various traumas in my life. I'm learning to express myself a lot more despite my hang-ups, and with the help of my friends, family and fiance, learning to love myself. I have my own fairy kei room, finally, after we moved to the new place that has TONS more space, and I'm going back to my "roots" as it were with gothic fashion. I always felt most confident and most like myself in it. I play with fairy kei sometimes as well when I'm feeling "colorful", and I'm accepting that I don't need to be just one thing. I know that sounds obvious, but with my mental issues came a lot of weird restrictions I'd put on myself.
All this has caused the most dramatic affect on my emotions that I've ever experienced. Really low lows, and really high highs. I suppose it's what happens when you start really fighting hard against depression. The path is rocky and I have some really good days, and some really awful ones. It's very stressful and scary, but I feel like I'm getting stronger and more capable of dealing with things I once thought were uncontrollable. I'm starting to do a few little things on my own here and there that were mortifying to me at one point. I'm also learning to stop beating myself up when I do something bad or wrong, and just apologize and never do the thing again. I'm learning to be there for the right people, and stop sacrificing myself for the wrong ones. No more keeping people in my life who don't earn it. I struggle a lot with impostor syndrome and some people who know this have tried to use it against me and convince me I'm not worth even being alive. It's been hard to tell the difference between a situation where I need to apologize, and a situation where I need to just turn around and walk away from abuse, but I'm learning how to tell the difference. It helps a LOT now that I've got the people in my life narrowed down to the ones I KNOW only want the best for me, and who are healthy for me! Keeping very, very busy and active has helped my mind a LOT. Going idle is the worst thing for me. It makes me paranoid and I over-think everything, which is one of my biggest problems.
Aside from that, I went through a bout of extreme kidney stones, went to a lot of doctors about other physical problems (yay), discovered some bad stuff but I'm trying to stay positive and grateful that at least now I know why I have a lot of the problems I have. I lost 60 lbs then put 30 back on. But anyway, I know I haven't been posting art as much lately. I'm still drawing a lot, but mostly idle doodles and commissions. It's become really hard to sit still at a computer for more than an hour or so; I have a lot more energy than I used to! Even though it's been like 90F every day the past few weeks x_x I love going to my parents' and riding bikes at THEIR new house! The neighbors have so many cows of various breeds and they're always so inquisitive
Things about 2016 thus far that have made me extremely happy: Reconnecting with old friends, repairing old friendships that ended sour, actually letting people hear me sing (this one was a big deal to me), making new friends, 1 year pescatarian (as of a few days ago!), going to my first con in years next month! Can't wait to meet many of my art community friends!! <3